A beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple!

Yes, it has been a while since I have written here. I apologize. It has been a bit crazy in my world. I could focus on the negative drama that has been going on for a couple of weeks, but it has calmed down. I think we hit a rock bottom point and now we are back on the incline. I don't want to focus on it or bring it back up again.

The beautiful part of my world was the marriage of my brother and his phenomenal wife. I have been waiting for this union for 5 years!!! Last night was the ring ceremony and reception at a beautiful park near East Canyon. This was the first of my brothers to get married and he has chosen such a stunningly beautiful woman both inside and out. More to come soon.

Weekend update

It has been a lovely weekend, I am almost sad that it is over. On Friday, the kids and I played close to home. We enjoyed some time outside, they got to drive their little ride-on toys up and down the driveway and sidewalk in front of the house, they had a blast playing in the dirt and running around the yard. When we went inside, they had a blast running all over the house and it was an overall happy, positive day. BJ and I ended the day in our usual way, listening to our favorite radio show and at 10pm there was a light knock at my door. Admittedly freaked out a bit at first, we were pleasantly surprised to see my baby brother at the door! Yes, he is 22, but he will forever be my baby brother ;)

Saturday morning began with the kids and I going on a monster hunt through the house and jumping on Brandon to wake him up. Aubrey started talking incessantly about Grandpa Rose (who is my father, his nickname for my stepmom is Rose, and she has always been Grandma Rose. So to little ones it would only make sense then that my dad is Grandpa Rose!) which prompted a FaceTime call to say hello if only to appease Aubrey. Ironically, she will talk constantly about people, grandma and grandpa rose, grammie, grandma and grandpa Hahn, etc., but when we call them she shuts right up and acts shy. It's kind of adorable. True to form, she wouldn't say much when I called my dad so I was forced to interpret her words much of the time. At one point though, she had apparently had enough of this because she was talking to my dad and when I tried to clarify her words she put her little hand over my mouth.

After she got to talk to grandpa, it was time to go hang out with grandma Hahn for a while. BJ and I gathered the littles up and headed for his parents house. When we walked outside, we noticed some interesting things going on in the sky, but I'll save that rant for another post.

His parents had the kids all afternoon, my mom came down so she could go do some pre-wedding things for my brother Mike, which is the same reason I got to see my baby brother!

That evening BJ surprised me with dinner at our favorite place to eat, Tepanyaki. Dinner was phenomenal, which is never a surprise when we eat there! After dinner we met his parents at the park so we could chat while the babies played. When it was too dark to play we headed back to our house to continue our chats. This was another universal test. I told them they were welcome to come on over to my messy house and while I did dishes when we got home, I did not become a crazy, high-strung mess! Neither did BJ, which made me so proud!! It is proof that both of us are making progress on accepting ourselves for who we are now, the good and the bad.

It's bound to be a busy week. Mike and Jenessa are getting married in Friday, which is so truly exciting. I've waited 5-years for this wedding!! It also means I get to see my sister, brother-in-law, and my sweet little nephew Hunter, whom I have not seen since he was born about 8-months ago!!

Needless to say, there may not be much time for blogging, but I'll do my best. I'm gonna get my Logan on this week, which always makes me happy!! I am just saying that this is going to be a phenomenal week!!!

Love and light.

Q

Temper temper

I have a temper. I was always a little spit fire. I worked for a long time to overcome that temper, and for quite a few years I managed to successfully tame the beast. Unfortunately, the beast resurfaced a couple years ago and was out of control last year. I can be loud, mean, and pretty much crazy. It is a part of me that is really embarrassing and rather shameful. Anyone who knew me growing up knows a side of me that I wish didn't exist. Pretending it doesn't exist hasn't been all that successful.

Establishing an overall sense of peace is my goal. I want to behave like one of those people who never raises their voice and never says an unkind word. It's a rather worthy goal, and one I know I can attain with practice and meditation. Celebrate my victories and learn from my mistakes. I'd like to share a small victory with you.

Victory: once again my son has pooped his pants, (have I mentioned my disdain for potty training?) a few days ago when this happened I behaved badly and flipped out. Today, I did not raise my voice. I did not get mad. I calmly cleaned him up and let it go. I didn't guilt him. I just tried to show him love. This is a little victory for me. I didn't even feel anger inside. I felt only love and calm.

Another victory: when Jayden squeezed a bottle of shampoo onto the bathroom floor while I was on a Skype call, I didn't even feel upset or angry. I just cleaned it up and showed him the difference between the shampoo and the soap because I think he was trying to wash his hands.

I was true to myself. When I stay calm, I am true to myself. The spit-fire monster within, is not my personal truth. It is not the real me. Keys to happiness? Live true to yourself and do your best to live in the present moment. I try to remember that my only power is now.

I think I passed!

The Universal test occurred. Life kept me from becoming a high-strung mess as I frantically tried to clean up before Krista arrived. Life kept me from frantically trying to clean up before she arrived! The house was a mess, the sink full of dishes, counter a disaster too. However, the kids wanted bread and berries from the store. Their desires and needs won out over my ego. Won out over my pride, as though I would have been able to make more than a minuscule dent in the time I had prior to her arrival anyway. There were a few times she had to remind me to relax and stop apologizing for the mess. After a little while, I was able to relax and just enjoy myself. Enjoy the time I spent with another human, another adult. It was definitely something I needed and I cannot wait to do it again!

A test of my enlightenment

The Universe likes to send me tests. When I claim to feel a certain way, claim to have accepted certain things, such as my imperfect and rather messy house, the Universe likes to send me little tests just to make sure I stick with it in practical application and not just the theory of it all. I have claimed to accept myself as I am, I claimed to have accepted my imperfection. Here is the test: my cousin is coming to visit with her adorable baby boy and my kitchen is a giant mess. Instead of washing my pile up dishes, I relaxed, and played all weekend long. Will I be an anxious, high-strung mess? Or can I be true to myself and welcome her into my home with open, loving arms and make her feel welcome in spite of the mess? Time will tell. The Universe is complicating my ability to wash the dishes before she arrives, so this is a true test. Lol

A beautiful day!

Today was a phenomenal day. BJ and I woke up, got ready, and headed over to his parents house around 11am. From there we drove up to Snowbird for Oktoberfest. The gates opened at noon, and thats when we arrived. First thing we did upon arrival was go to the big tent where they have a band, dancing, and food. It was adorable, there were lots of little ones dancing on the dance floor, and of course Aubrey and Jayden wanted to join in the fun. BJ got himself a giant beer (it's Oktoberfest, that's the whole point! lol), the kids split a piece of pizza, and then the dancing began. I danced with both of the little ones, I sort of danced with BJ... if you can call that dancing... I am still too much of a stick in the mud to dance with my husband, but apparently I can let loose and dance with my munchkins!

After the excitement of dancing, we wanted to ride the tram. We rode it up to the top of the mountain, hiked down a ways, and took the chair lift the rest of the way to the bottom. Unfortunately we didn't get to go through the tunnel, which probably would have been a much easier climb since neither BJ or I were wearing the appropriate hiking shoes for that kind of rocky terrain. However, BJ and I held hands and had a nice walk down the mountain together while the kids changed off between Chris, Cassy, Matt, and Aimee. Jayden initially was with Grandpa Chris, but Jayden wanted to move way more quickly than Grandpa was able, so he ran off and walked with Matt and Aimee. Aubrey held onto Grandma (once she woke up, she was asleep on my shoulder the ride up the tram and for most of the wandering we did prior to the actual hike down), then she held onto Aimee, then Grandpa, then back to me. When we got down the mountain to the chair lift, we had a somewhat anxious moment when Aubrey wanted Grandma, who was on the chair in front of us. There was a bit of a tantrum and far too much wiggling for my comfort on that chair lift for the first 5-10 minutes or so. When you are that high up, those antics are simply terrifying!

After the tram ride, the kids got to jump in the inflatable play area for a while and BJ tried the rock climbing wall. He picked the hardest of the 3 sides to climb and was doing reasonably well considering until his pant legs kept getting caught on the holds and he hung there for so long his muscles just locked up and couldn't take it anymore, at which point he got to repel down to the bottom. I was looking forward to some rock climbing, but spent the time with the kids in their inflatable wonderland instead. Next time I'm climbing though, next time! After that we grabbed a rather expensive bite to eat (slightly less than a Disneyland meal!) and headed to the Alpine Slide! The slide at Snowbird isn't quite as awesome, or as efficient as the one at Park City. You ride up the lift, wait in line to get a sled, then walk a ways and wait in another line to go down the hill. BJ had Aubrey with him, and I had Jayden on my lap. The kids LOVED it! As soon as we got to the bottom of the hill, both children excitedly yelled "again!!!" Unfortunately it was nearly 5pm at this point and we were running out of time for the day. BJ and Matt rode the zip-line a few times, I admired some hippie clothes in one of the booths and then we called it a day! 

As always there is so much more to say, so many stories to tell, and lessons to share, but I'm tired and my husband just hollered from the other room "why am I lonely??" which is my queue to leave the blog behind and go behave wifely. 

Until next time, Love and Light!

Star gazing.

One of those little pleasures that never gets old. It's free. It's beautiful. And most of all it's relaxing. Almost hypnotic and meditative.

I successfully did nothing today. Well, that's not entirely true. I worked in my yard, but that was fun. It was peaceful and relaxing. That's all I wanted for today. No arguments. No stress. Just living in the moment. Recharging my batteries in peaceful activity.

Happiness. Recharged. Moment by moment. That is all I wanted and it is exactly what I got.

Ahh, the art of doing nothing

Today I am being lazy. I will proudly admit to sleeping in until noon (granted I went to sleep at 2, woke up at 4, and didn't fall asleep again until 7, but on a normal day I would have had to wake up at 8 with the kids!) However, I am fighting a battle within myself. The desire to do nothing, to recover and simply enjoy silence, is running through me from head to toe. On the flip side of that, the inner monster is telling me that it is irresponsible to do nothing when my sink is full of dishes, there are loads of laundry to fold, garbages to dump, and a disastrous playroom to clean. The list of things to do, for all of us, seems to be endless. There is always somewhere to be, something to do. We are always in a hurry for this or that. In being true to myself, I can honestly say I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I do not stay in the present moment today, if I do not relax and recuperate, I will not be able to do all of the things on my endless to-do list. More importantly, if I do not recuperate, I will not be in the right place to be the patient, positive, loving wife and mother I try to be.

I have much more to say, but I need to get back to my nothingness. I need to continue recharging my batteries today. Perhaps I will report back later.

Love and light.

Just a quick pic..

Things I have to remind myself of. Often.

Reality...

I said I would be real. I said I would lay it all out on the table. But at what point can you lay too much on the table? Isn't that part of sharing my imperfection, my reality? Sharing the good, the bad, and the downright ugly?

Today was downright ugly. Nothing went according to plan, the beast within could not be caged, and all that resulted was a day of arguing and misery. Luckily my in-laws took the kids for the evening and through tomorrow. The kids shouldn't have to suffer while my husband and I argue. They should not have to listen to us yell, shouldn't have to see me cry... Hearing my daughter tell my mother-in-law, when I dropped her off, that "mommy was sad" kind of broke my heart.

Here is a real confession. I don't know how to be a great wife and a great mother at the same time. I don't know how to balance it all. I don't know how to take care of everything with the house, finances, children, husband, and have anything left for myself. Sometimes as a mother, I feel like a shell of myself. Like I am just going through the motions, but there's nothing really inside of me. Far too often, I'm just numb. When I balance things, I get time for myself, some silence, a chance to essentially recover, I feel whole again. I feel as though I am able to conquer the world again. When I have balance, I'm a better wife. A better mother. I have patience. I have a positive perspective on life. When I don't, I become someone who isn't being true to herself. When I am true to myself, I am happy. I feel peaceful inside. Today, I was not true to myself. I was not a great mother. I was not a great wife. I was not a great human. And as a result, I'm a ball full of misery.

So, here it is. I laid it all out on the table. Perhaps I was too real. Perhaps I said too much. I shared information that was too personal. Be that as it may, in the end, I was real.

It's not all bad..

I may not be perfect, but I know this is what it's all about. Moments like these pictured below!

Wrong side of the bed...

Ya know those days when you wake up on the wrong side of bed? Where little things, things that should warrant far more patience than you seem to be able to muster, tend to set you off on a tangent? Do you ever work yourself up into a fit of crazy?

By all accounts today should be an awesome day! BJ stayed home from work, I played balloon soccer in the kitchen with Aubrey, and Jayden was being his imaginative self in creating games (complete with story line) for himself and Aubrey to play. Yet, for some ridiculous reason, I'm grumpy. I am being an obnoxious, snappy, nitpicking, monster! Working myself up into a frenzy because my sink is full of dishes and I'm behind on laundry yet again! Even as I write this, the little voice in my head is saying "everyone reading is just wondering what in the hell you do with your time! How come you cannot seem to catch up? Why are you such a slob?" This is something that compounds into epic levels of crazy inside my head. I am being completely irrational. Even if my assumption of judgment is correct, it is irrelevant. I recognize this fact, and for some reason there are those days where you cannot seem to put the monster away once it's been unleashed. As if it is saying "you will be a negative crazy cakes today!" regardless of what logic wants. The emotionally driven side of me is winning and not in a good way!

This is when you climb in bed, take a nap, and start over... Oh wait, I'm a mom. I can't just take a nap right now! C'mon Carlie, stop your whining!! Time to pull yourself up by your metaphorical bootstraps and turn your day around!

We shall see how well I do! I will report back later.

Seriously, why?!?!?

I didn't get mad today when Jayden dumped a bottle of Zyrtec in my jewelry cleaner while I was putting clothes in the dryer. I explained that was not a good idea, and cleaned up the mess.

I didn't get mad when Jayden made an "underwater volcano" with an empty beer bottle, tube of neosporin, and my cuticle tool (while I was making lunch). I praised his creativity because he was so excited, and explained that we should find a better way to make an underwater volcano in the future, and again cleaned up the mess.

However, about an hour ago, while I was holding Aubrey and explaining to her that there is a better way to express frustration than scream her ear-piercing banshee scream, Jayden did something which caused me to completely lose my s***. It might seem like nothing to many of you, and that's okay, but to those of you who know me it might make a little more sense.

After my discussion with Aubrey, I noticed Jayden had been absent for too long and was exceptionally quiet. Neither of which are ever good signs. I called for him - nothing. So I went on the hunt. He was in my room, on my bed, playing with the iPad. Innocent enough until I got closer, saw my perfume on the bed in front of him and I took a breath. The boy had sprayed perfume all over my bed and pillow. I was livid. My sinuses closed up immediately. I started wheezing. I started sneezing. Those who know me know that when I get started, I can sneeze for hours straight. I don't just sneeze once. No, I have this ridiculous allergy curse where I can sneeze for two hours straight or until the allergy medicine kicks in and I pass out. Anyway, as I said, this time I was upset. Then I walked into his room and noticed the kid had also painted with cortisone cream all over the floor and dresser. First, where is he even finding this s***??? Second, why? Why in the world are you doing such ridiculously stupid s***??? I yelled. I put him in time out. I sneezed. I yelled some more. Sneezed some more. And finally when he just laughed at me I went and pulled out the big guns. I got dad. Ha! Not so funny now, is it?!?

After consuming far more than the recommended dosage of allergy medicine to clear the airways again, and some much-needed daddy intervention, Jayden came down to me gave me a big hug and told me he was so sorry he sprayed my perfume all over my bed. Ah, the endearing moments with our children who love us even when we act just a little bit psycho :)

It is Jayden's favorite thing...

And I have to admit its one of mine too.. Jayden just crawled up onto my lap and asked me to tickle his back. I'm a sucker for cuddle time with my babies!! I'm pretty sure they know it, too! It's an effective momma manipulation tool. Cuddles, hugs, kisses, and loves. All of the things that melt my heart.

I may whine about my kids a bit, I may not be very perfect, and I may have yelled at my children out of frustration earlier today... One thing is for sure, they make my heart feel super happy ;) I wouldn't trade this chaos for anything in the world.

Another thing I can say, to my credit, is that I have two incredibly affectionate children. They give lots of hugs and kisses. I love it when they will climb up on my lap with a book or their iPads (yes, *gasp* my children each have a first generation iPad which we can discuss later). Learning together is a highlight of my day. Listening to them giggle and play just puts a smile on my face. On the flip side, listening to them scream and fight with each other is similar to fingernails on a chalkboard ;)

Right now, Jayden is chasing Aubrey with a fishing pole and she is fighting him off with a giant green balloon... Which has just devolved into a "sword fight" between the fishing pole and paint roller (think long thin extension pole for the tiny paint rolls)... Ending in Aubrey bonking Jayden on the head with the roller, to which Aubrey said "oh sorry" in her adorable, high-pitched, munchkin voice and Jayden informed her "you have to give me a hug and say you are sorry!" It was an adorable exchange. Is this irresponsible? Allowing the children to chase, argue, and have sword fights? I watched them do this. I was less than a foot away. Perhaps I should have intervened. Then again, perhaps it's important to allow kids to be kids, fight their own battles, and develop conflict resolution skills. Oh, the complexities of parenting!! All we can do is be true to ourselves, do what feels right for us, and hope it turns out great in the end!

Until next time. Love and light!

To binky or not to binky...

Here's an imperfect mom confession. My kids love their binkys and I let them have them. Yes, my son is 3 and my daughter is 2. Yes, I have felt the judgment and heard the criticism. Yes, I realize they are "too old for such infantile products" and yet, I pick my battles. The binky isn't a battle I want to pick yet. Admittedly this is for partially selfish reasons. Some days I simply don't want to hear any whining about it. They take them out when they need to talk to me because that's the rule, and they only get binkies at home or in the car (and only if they ask for them!) Am I ruining my precious babies for life? Probably not.

It's all about picking your battles, if you want to save an ounce of sanity. Most people cannot stand being nitpicked and criticized. I'm pretty positive our children are no different. It isn't our job as parents to mold our children into the person WE think they should be. It is our job to allow them to grow into themselves while being shown and taught compassion, kindness, love, and respect. Boundaries fall into those categories. It is respectful to clean up after yourself, not break nice things, and to speak kindly to others. Those are rules and boundaries we set. But when I get irritated because the kids are cleaning up their toys the "wrong way" I'm doing that obnoxious nitpicking critical thing we all hate so much!! I'm just not very perfect.

And now, back to the real world of chasing balloons around the kitchen and refereeing the kids arguments!

Taboo

How many times have you wanted to say that you need a break from being a mom but were afraid to do so because you were worried that someone else might think you were weak or whiney or just a bad parent? Have you ever yelled at your kids for something that, looking back, was completely trivial?

Never fear, I'm going to say it for you. I'm going to take that fear of judgment away because you can just tell yourself, if Carlie can say it, so can I!!

What are the things you think but are too afraid to say out loud for fear of appearing flawed?

Here's my confession for today: I hate potty training my son and I don't feel like I'm very good at it! I would rather change a poop filled diaper than have him poop in his underwear!!! And as hard as it is for me to admit, I've yelled at my 3-year-old for pooping his pants. I'm ashamed of this. I feel bad. But I'm not a perfect mom. I get frustrated when he poops his pants for three days in a row!! I want to give up and say just wear a diaper!! Today, when my daughter, who is 2, took her diaper off and pooped on the playroom floor and then peed on her bed, I just wanted to crawl in bed and call it a day! Guess what, I'm just not a perfect mom!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my children. I learn so much from them. I love their hugs and kisses. My son, Jayden, tells the best stories. His imagination makes me smile. He is smart and funny. My daughter is beautiful, intelligent, and a little spit-fire. I have committed myself to those children, I am learning to live a life different from what I thought I always wanted. It is a learning curve. Current societal programming to strive for an impossible ideal only led to bouts of insanity! So no more of that! Like I said, I'm real. This is my life.

What's this all about?

It is my opinion that parents today find themselves striving for perfection to such a degree it drives us just a little bit crazy. Gone are the days of individual acceptance (if those days ever existed). Gone are the days of individuality. Today it seems that everyone is competing for parent of the year. Everyone is competing to have the perfect children, perfect marriage, perfect home. Could this drive for perfection, this constant need to control all the details of life so they fit into our perfect ideals be to blame for the high divorce rate or the even higher rate of anxiety and depression among the population? I don't know! I wont pretend to know! All I will do is say to you that I am not perfect. I will not pretend to be perfect. I will simply be real. I am striving for individual acceptance as a wife, mother, and woman, and it is my intention to share that journey with you. 

Hahn Family Christmas 2010

BJ, Carlie, Jayden & Aubrey