Why are Grandma's so much better than the rest of us?

Let's be honest, most of us think our Grandma was the greatest person on earth. She made the best food, played the best games, taught us the most... My Gram was infallible in my eyes. She was the sweetest, most wonderful, amazing woman in the world. I'm pretty sure that most of us feel the same way about our grandparents.

Right now, I am watching my kids bake muffins with their Grandma Hahn, and I can just tell that she is super-human in their eyes. I can see how intently they watch her add ingredients, how much they want to do what she does, how much they are learning from her along the way, and most importantly how much they are enjoying themselves. I watch her patience with them, her organization and finesse, and the joy she seems to get from their reactions. It seems that Grandma enjoys the little ones just as much as they enjoy her! 

There's no way Grandma's were always this patient, put-together, and perfect. They had to have their frazzled "hot-mess" moments, right?  Maybe, when I'm a grandma, I will magically be as amazing and put together as my mom, my step-mom, and my mother-in-law!! These are things I just have to tell myself to give me hope.

I suppose our Grandparents are proof that with age comes wisdom, patience, and perfection. I know that my experience with my grandparents was different than the one my children will have. My Gram was a stay-at-home mom and they were all retired by the time I came along. Instead of being stuck in daycare, I was lucky enough to spend every day with my Gram. My children's grandparents are all still working. Things are just different now than they used to be. One thing that hasn't changed is the love littles have for their grandparents. It is a very special kind of love, it's timeless.

In the end though, I am pretty sure my Gram was always perfect.

You're making me anxious...

I may have mentioned this before, but my husband and I are the only ones with kids on both sides of the family. My step-sister and her husband have a son, but they live in Seattle and we don't get to hang out or even really talk much. Now, I don't know if you remember the time before you had children, maybe you still don't have any kids, but life without kids is a hell of a lot different than life with kids. The things you want to do for fun, the places you go, the financial means to do those things, all of it changes when the kids come along. 

Some of our family members have an absolute blast watching the kids do things, have experiences, and just be kids. Some, not so much. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I don't expect everyone to be kid-friendly. The thing is though, I can tell that you aren't kid-friendly. It makes me uncomfortable when I'm with my kids and they are being kids around you. My father-in-law tells me I keep "drawing a line" between the adult activities and the kid activities. He thinks I'm making my kids miss out on things because I dub them "adult activities." Maybe he is right, but it's more that I don't want the added anxiety... I'm less likely to allow my kids to just be kids when I'm around people who don't do the kid thing. It makes me high-strung and no fun when I am worried about your opinion of my kids behavior... The crazy part is, I have really great kids. Sure, Aubrey has a scream that could break glass, but when she isn't being dramatic, she is sweet, adorable, and hilarious. Jayden has an incredible imagination, he loves to tell stories and would talk your ear off if given your attention. They say please, and thank you. They are usually great about following my rules, especially in public, but they are kids! Sometimes kids throw fits. Sometimes kids can be obnoxious and loud. Even good kids can drive the not-so-kid-friendly crowd crazy; hell, good kids can even drive the kid-friendly crowd a little crazy! I don't like to drive people crazy, so it stresses me out when I think my kids are doing that very thing. 

It seems that having children has made me a tad uptight, but not all the time. I'm more comfortable around some people than others. I can relax and allow my kids to be kids more easily when I'm comfortable in my surroundings. When I'm at my dad's house, for example, I'm generally unable to relax. I'm constantly worried about every little mess my kids make, every noise they make after 9pm, doing anything that will result in a lecture from my father. It's not his problem, it's totally mine, but sometimes I just can't relax when I'm visiting him. I can be chaotic and loud, kids are usually chaotic and loud... my dad is an accountant, which is to say, quiet and calm (*cough* boring* cough*). The point is, I tend to be more uptight about my kids behaving like kids when I'm with him at his house. This isn't because of anything my dad has said or done, it's all on me. 

At family events, when the only small children are my own, once again I have a difficult time relaxing. If I take them to someone else's home, I hover over them making sure they don't touch things they shouldn't or make a mess of any kind. Seriously, it is exhausting and not an ounce of fun for me. Call me selfish, but I would like to do things where I can relax and enjoy myself too. When you don't have kids, or it has been a long time since you actually raised yours, it is easy to forget all of the stress that goes along with parenting. It is easy to judge the decisions the parent makes without taking the time to understand the reasoning behind them. Before we can say yes or no to an invitation to do something, usually with family, we have a few questions we have to ask ourselves. If we feel that the experience will result in maximum enjoyment with minimal stress and anxiety, we go. If the chances of stress and anxiety are higher than the possible enjoyment we may experience, we pass. 

I know I've frustrated some people with this philosophy. I honestly can't say I'm sorry about that though. We have to do what is best for us. Our best might not be as good as yours. My best might seem ridiculous when compared to someone else, but I can only do what works for me. I am a better mom when I stay true to myself. I am a better wife when I stay true to myself. It was when I stopped being true to myself that I imploded. Part of being true to myself is avoiding situations that make me anxious. Admittedly there are a lot of things that make me anxious, but that's why it is even more important for me to avoid the unnecessary ones. Yes, I know I'm neurotic. It's just part of my charm :) 

I'm not that kind of mom..

Lately I've been walking at night with my neighbor, and last night while we were out we got on the topic of moms, personalities, etc. More than once I found myself saying, "I'm not that kind of mom." Truth is, I'm a little afraid that when my kids start school they will notice I'm not that kind of mom and the mom that I am will no longer be enough for them.

I don't throw big birthday parties for my kids with cutesy themes and decor to match. I've never had a party for them that was large enough to justify invitations. I'm not that kind of mom.

I don't take pictures of my kids' every action, nor do I take them to get professional pictures of them every few months and then make fancy photo albums, picture montages, etc. I'm not that kind of mom.

I don't make a big deal out of holidays. I don't decorate for anything other than Christmas. I'm not that kind of mom. (In fact, before I had kids, I wouldn't even decorate for Christmas!)

I don't decorate for dinners. My table never looks like it could be featured on HGTV. I don't make seating charts or make anything overly fancy. Most of the time I don't put food into separate serving dishes... It just isn't me.

I don't have a spotless house, I probably never will. I'm not that kind of mom. 

My kids don't have their days scheduled from dawn to dusk. I'm not that organized or structured. 

When I first had kids, I thought I had to be like those other moms. I felt bad about myself because I wasn't that way. I felt like I was a bad mom because I didn't have a spotless house, a hot meal on the table every night, make my own baby food, have a perfect yard, take my kids to museums, put up 45 Christmas trees... oh the list could go on, and on, and on. I put so much pressure on myself to be something I wasn't that eventually I imploded. I just crashed and became the hot mess I'm recovering from today.

I give lots of hugs and cuddles. I play video games with my son, color with my daughter. I dance in the kitchen with them, play balloon volleyball in the house. We blow bubbles, fly helicopters inside, set off balloon rockets, and sing lots of songs. During the Perseid Meteor Shower, we let the kids stay up until nearly 2 am so they could sit outside with us and watch for shooting stars. It was really special and they loved it. I am that kind of mom.

I have 2 amazing kids and I just hope that I'm mom enough for them the way I am. 

I have to play to my strengths, and being completely and totally imperfect is one of my biggest.

We've been collecting baby pine cones for my sister-in-law. Aubrey has a blast gathering them up while I work in the yard. 

Crazy little thing called blog..

I started this crazy little thing called a blog and I have done a wonderful job of neglecting it for the past year or so. There are many personal reasons for my absence, suffice it to say I've been recovering from a condition commonly known as "hot mess". Yes, I know, I promised to share my ups and downs, and to be fair, I still plan to; however, there have been a few too many downs and I was somewhat consumed by them. Lets be honest, no one really enjoys it when their crazy is showing, and mine had a starring role for the past 18 months, maybe even longer. Another side effect of my crazy was severe writers block along with a debilitating case of the "eff-its" causing any semblance of motivation to essentially vanish into oblivion. Unsurprisingly, my house and figure have suffered severe consequences. They say the state of your home is a reflection of your state of mind, hot mess just about covers it. Synonymous with disaster. Complete, and utter disaster. 

Now the time for recovery has begun. It's time to dig out of the chasm I have created for myself. Amazingly, as I began taking steps to do that, my writers block lifted and here I am. I've got a lot to write about so check back soon. I won't leave you hanging. 

BJ and I taken March, 2012

Family Picture taken September, 2012

Holy crap did you see how much weight I gained in 5 months?? Like I said, HOT MESS!! 

Rest assured, it's slowly but surely getting better around here. Slowly but surely.