Family night

Last night we carved pumpkins as a family. My mom came down, along with Mike and Jenessa. I made dinner, and we carved pumpkins. Aubrey and Jayden loved it. Stabbing the pumpkins was so much fun for them! Lol. Grammie helped them carve their pumpkin. She asked what shapes they wanted for the face and Jayden replies square eyes, etc. Grammie would carve per their requests. It turned out pretty good for a toddler pumpkin! BJ cheated and tried to use his dremel, but the pumpkin was so thick it didn't work! Seriously, these were the thickest pumpkins I've ever carved, which actually turned out to be a good thing for me when it came time for me to carve mine. Overall it was a lot of fun and we created wonderful, lasting memories with my family.

That's what we have to do, what it is all about. I'm not perfect. I know that. I tend to be a bit of bah humbug about holidays. They tend to be more stress than they are worth, but having kids changes that. Watching the simple pleasure that a two-year-old gets from just stabbing a pumpkin with the little carving knife as she exclaims "I making it!" Or the pure joy the three-year-old gets from scooping out the pumpkin guts and saving the seeds for his "aunt Jessa". Those are the things in life that matter. I wish I could just have those moments every day. Take away money, take away everything else. Just let me have those moments.

The thing about kids...

Before you have kids, you are capable of spontaneity. You are able to come and go with ease and little planning. You are easily mobile and have the ability to go visit anyone, do anything, at any time for the most part. After you have kids, that changes. Instead of being spontaneous, you have to plan ahead. Suddenly it takes you twice as long just to get out of the house! When you have kids, activities should be planned with them in mind, not as an afterthought; at least if you want us to come and participate.

This leads me to a difficult situation with one side of my family. I feel like they plan all of their activities with adults in mind and kids as an afterthought. We are the only couple with small kids. I am not self-centered enough to think that everything should revolve around us and our children; however, I do think that it would be nice to plan some family events with kids in mind and adult entertainment as an afterthought if that makes sense. For nearly 4 years now it has felt a little like kids are an afterthought for activities with the family, getting especially worse as of late. It makes me a little sad, and mostly, it makes me reluctant to hang out with them and participate at all. I would rather play with the people in our life who are part of our village, as I like to call it.

Yes, tonight I was mad. I was mad that I was excited to see everyone. I was mad that I put forth the time and effort to come over, only to hear that your plans reverted back to the original adult oriented plans and you didn't bother to let us know. I was mad that I wasted my time on you guys instead of taking the kids to do something fun with our little family, or with my brother and his wife. I was mad because that's easier than allowing myself to feel hurt. I was fighting back tears the whole drive home. That's usually why I get mad. It's easier to be angry than sad. So to be honest, I'm mad and I'm done. Go on, have your traditions, do your thing. Just realize we will do the same. We will make our traditions with our kids as the priority and the adults as the afterthought. You can participate with us if you choose, but I'm done with the adult activities you plan. Just assume my answer will be no. /end rant.

Lost

I am lost. The Carlie I could claim to be for so long has been gone for ages. The marriage I have is rocky, crumbling. Much of it is my fault. Most of it is due to the loss of the real Carlie. Everything I knew of myself has been sacrificed and I don't know how to adjust. So I self destruct. That is what I've been doing for a while now. I am trying so hard to change. So hard. And it just isn't enough quickly enough. The negative comes back and smothers me. The self pity party comes back full swing. And I continue to self destruct. The world crumbles around me. That is all there is right now. All I can see in this mess of a place I'm in. Pathetic, I know.

Healthy dilemmas

It's important to practice what you preach. I believe that. I have been reading about the foods that we eat, watching documentaries on the subject for a couple of years now. It all started with the documentary Food Matters, since then I've watched a dozen more. I have healthy cookbooks. I have healthy cooking apps. In theory, I know what to make and how I *SHOULD* be feeding my family. In practical application, I fail. Seriously. I just fail. Here's that perfection problem. It comes down to teaching an old dog new tricks, and I am the old dog.

The reality is while I love to cook, I'm new to it. The other reality is that my kids like macaroni and cheese, spaghettios, ravioli, French fries, and chicken nuggets. They eat the typical crappy American diet. I feel totally guilty about this. I want to change it. I want to change how we eat. I just don't know where to start. I don't know how to pull my world together enough to feed my family a diet of fresh healthy foods. Now add to that the cost. I don't know how to do it cost effectively. I have so much to learn. I have so much to balance, and this is something I can honestly say I don't know how to do or where to begin. Another day of confessions from an imperfect mom.