Love this...

Just came across another saying that sure hit close to home. In my heart, I'm pretty sure this hits the mark. Something to think about, anyway. 

How important is this lesson...

There are times when I have to stop and ask myself "how important is this lesson for the kids?" I have refused to clean my playroom for a while. An embarrassingly long time, but I think I have a good reason for it. See, my kids destroyed that room and I think they should have to clean it themselves. Not long ago I wrote a blog post about making my kids clean their own room. What would have taken me an hour, tops, took them about three hours to complete. It's true, I could have cleaned it for them, but what would they have learned by my doing so? That they can make ridiculous messes and I'll be there to clean it up for them. I don't want them to learn that. I don't want to helicopter parent either. They are 3 and 4-years-old. They are going to make messes. However, in my mind, they are less likely to do so when they know that a) they have to live in the mess they make, and b) they have to clean the mess they make.

When they did this... I CLEANED IT!!!

When they did it AGAIN.... I CLEANED IT

When they did this, I cleaned it... (This is behind my couch in the front room)

Ahh, much better... but they didn't learn a thing! How do I know? Because of this:

I had their playroom beautiful and organized... There are LABELS!!! 

And in a mere 30 minutes while I was downstairs making dinner... it went from THIS....

TO THIS!!!!!

DO YOU SEE THIS!!!

SERIOUSLY!

So... I was livid. They literally took EVERYTHING off the beautifully organized and labeled shelves and did that. Every single toy they own, which I admit is a ridiculous quantity, was taken OFF the shelves and thrown into a giant pile in the middle of the floor. I worked so hard in there, painstakingly organizing, labeling, I even built and installed the shelves... I worked my butt off in that stupid room and all of it was undone in a mere 30 minutes. My husband is going to kill me (metaphorically speaking) for admitting this publicly, but I have refused to clean the room ever since that day. Well, I've tried a few times but I don't make it very long before I get mad again so I have to walk away until I can get in the right place mentally. So far, I haven't found the right place and finally I asked myself why that might be. The answer is simple, it feels like an injustice for ME to be the one to clean that room. Yes, I know, that's just part of being a mom, but isn't teaching your children to clean up after themselves also part of being a mom?

I've had friends over who ask "why don't you just bag everything up and get rid of it?" That's a good question. Honestly, it's because I am convinced this is an important lesson for them to learn. I don't let them play anywhere else for the most part, I don't let them use the tv in the entertainment room to escape their mess. It is their mess and, by golly, they have to live in it or clean it up. I'm nothing if not stubborn. I just have to be patient with them. We have been making progress, very slow progress, but progress nonetheless. The problem here is that I'm working with children who are 3 & 4, which is to say, little people with tiny attention spans. I've tried a few different tactics. I was feeling especially hopeful after the success we had in their bedroom, but the playroom has been challenging for them as well. I tried setting a timer, telling them they got to play for the same length of time as they cleaned. It seemed like a fair deal to me, but to a 4-year-old 20 minutes is apparently an eternity. We didn't get very far. I tried enticement "when you get this room all cleaned, I will buy you the video game you want." Unfortunately, that wasn't enough motivation either. I may not have found the appropriate level of motivation, but I have a quality that is far more important. Determination. It might not make sense to you, that's okay, but I am stubborn and determined enough to teach them this lesson.

Every time they have to throw a toy away because they haven't taken good enough care of it, it's a lesson to them. Every time they ask for a friend to come over and I say no because the playroom is too messy for their friends to play in, it's a lesson for them. Every time they complain about having to clean up the mess, I simply ask "who made this mess?" When they reply "we did" I make sure it's a reminder of the consequences of making such a mess. Like I said, I could have had the room clean by now. I could do it all myself, but what would they learn if I did? A big, whopping NOTHING and I just can't have that.

How important is this lesson? If you ask me, it's very important.

The perfect photobomb

This will be a quick post. I have decided to share a video with you that I think is hilarious. Aubrey found a mirror of mine, one side is 5x magnified, the other normal. I've been trying for a while now to get video of her playing in the mirror because she is adorable. She spins it round and round saying "I'm small... I'm big... I'm small... I'm big..." Every time I catch her doing it and finally get video rolling, she stops though. So the other day, I was laying on my bed, Jayden was in the bathroom (which is attached to my bedroom via pocket door), and Aubrey brought the mirror over and started doing her routine. I hurried to catch it on video but Jayden, while sitting on the toilet, leans over and... Well, you'll see. Enjoy.

The rules of shopping with the little ones

I recently read an article on the Matt Walsh Blog (if you haven't read it yet, you should) that inspired me to write this. I could sympathize with the mother in the story. Taking kids to the store has always been one of my biggest parental fears, not because of anything my kids have done, but because of what I knew they could do. For the longest time, I wouldn't go to the store unless I had backup or a babysitter. I ordered everything I could online, (hooray for Amazon Mom & Amazon Subscribe & Save!!) If I had to get something locally, I would either go to the store after the kids were in bed or wait until my mom or my sister-in-law were in town to go with me. I even had Winder Farms delivering groceries for a couple of years. I was terrified to be "that mom" in the store, that mom with the screaming, out of control child. Since I knew better than to try to control the every whim and tantrum of an infant and young toddler, I controlled the circumstances of my shopping trips.

When my kids were old enough for me to effectively communicate with them, I started becoming more adventurous, but I also had a strategy. This is just what has worked for me and as a result, I've been lucky enough to avoid any knock-down-drag-out-what-is-wrong-with-that-kid-look-at-that-horrible-mother experiences in a store. If I'm honest, whenever possible, I still take backup to the store with me. However, my village has been a lot more busy for the past couple of years and isn't available to provide backup very often. Hence, my strategy.

Step One: Before we leave the house, I lay down the rules and consequences of breaking said rules. I keep them simple but broad enough to cover almost everything. They usually consist of things like: No fits, no tantrums, no running off, stay in the cart or hold my hand at all times, do everything I say, when I say or we will leave the store and you will lose your iPads for the rest of the day. I have to make the consequences dire enough to get through to them.

Step Two: On the way to the store, we discuss the rules. I say them and the kids repeat the rules and consequences back to me. Just to make sure they really understand everything I've said.

Step Three: Before we get out of the car, each of them take turns telling me the rules and consequences.

Yes, this is ridiculously redundant and probably over the top. If I'm honest, sometimes, I skip steps one and two, but never step three. I always do step three. The only reason this strategy works for me is that I always follow through. No matter how hard it is, I always follow through. I've been doing this with the kids from the very beginning. Whether we were at a restaurant or the grocery store, if one of the kids started crying or throwing a tantrum, they were taken to the car. When I first started taking them out places, I always had backup, so when I needed to, I was able to have my backup take the little one out to the car while I hurried to finish shopping or check out.

Kids have amazing memories, and I followed through enough times that I only have to remind them of the consequences and they *usually* calm down. The same strategy works, for me, in counting to 3 when they are misbehaving. The thing is, I only lay down consequences I'm willing to follow through with. I wont even start counting if I'm not willing to follow through with whatever consequence I come up with to finish the "if I get to three, ____________" statement.

I know I've been blessed with two pretty great kids, especially considering they have a clueless mother. This is just one of the ways I've found to help make my life easier. All we can do is our best. Remember that. Just do your best, and don't worry about the other mom's in the world. Somehow we all think we know best, when really, we are all pretty clueless.

The path to freedom...

I've never made it a secret that my house is a cluttered disaster. I have way too much stuff and nowhere to put it. Even if I had a place for everything, I still have too much stuff. My kids have grown out of clothes and they sit in bags in my crawl space, I bought toys on sale to give later and never gave them out, I bought and bought and have only succeeded in being a few boxes away from an episode of hoarders. When I look back at my decisions over the past few years I generally feel like I was an idiot. That's all there was to it. I thought I needed or wanted so many things, but really, I neither needed nor wanted them. They did nothing to make me happy, they didn't make my kids happier. Worse, I feel like I did them a disservice by getting so much crap. They never learned to value or respect their toys. Now I not only need to dig myself out of my own personal hole, but I have to reclaim my house. In essence, I have two giant chasms to climb out of.

The good news, as I see it, is that my kids are still young enough to be retrained if you will. It's not too late for them to learn the value of their possessions, to learn to respect their toys, and to begin taking care of the things they still get to keep. Goodness knows, I don't want them to continue down the path we are currently on. It makes me so angry when they destroy a toy or a book, when they color on the wall or basically act like destructive children. I know it's my own fault, which probably makes it worse. No one wants to actually admit that their kids failings are really their own. I need to teach them to do better, to be better. In order to do that, I need to do better. I need to be better.

I started this process recently, I took my first steps on the path to freedom. After my evening walk, I seem to have a lot more energy and I generally want to clean something. A few nights ago, I walked in the door around 10:45pm after my walk, (we are night owls around here) and I remembered I needed to change the sheets on my daughters bed. See, the night before, Aubrey wet the bed in the middle of the night. Being the awesome mother that I am, I took off her wet clothes, wiped her down with a towel, put on a pull-up, put a towel down on the wet spot, sent Aubrey back to bed and went right back to sleep myself... Like I said, I'm an awesome mom. Anyway, I decided to change the sheets on both beds. When I pulled up the mattress and saw the pile of crap under their beds, I made an executive decision. We were going to clean their room... And by "we" I mean "they" were going to clean their room and I was going to supervise. I moved Aubrey's bed out from the wall first, brought in a big white garbage bag and a big bag for toys. The instructions were simple. Garbage in the garbage bag, toys to in a toy bag to be put away later, and clothes in the hamper.

It is rather embarrassing to admit that I hadn't cleaned their room in a very long time, and it was ridiculous. There were bread crusts, bread sticks, half-eaten peanut butter sandwiches, crackers, water bottles, fruit-snack wrappers, the disgusting garbage list goes on. See, embarrassing, but I promised to be real, so there you have it. Then there were the toys, I mean honestly, it was crazy how much crap they fit under a toddler bed. I made them do it all. They were even excited about it! They had to pick up the garbage, clean up the toys, the only thing I did was provide new toy bags when the old ones filled up and vacuum when they made the floor clean enough to do so. We spent a little over an hour the first night cleaning their room, making it about midnight when we finished up. The kids were really proud of themselves, and I was really proud of them. The next day we did the other half of the room. Jayden wasn't quite as excited to do the rest of the room, in fact, when I told him it was time he replied with "you've got to be kidding me?" Hmm, I wonder where he heard that line! Regardless of his attitude, he cooperated with only a small reminder about losing his video games for the rest of the day if he didn't cooperate... It's amazing how well that works for motivating him! Aubrey just likes to be my helper most of the time, so motivating her is less of a struggle when phrased that way.

The room isn't spotless by any stretch, but it is much better than it was. More importantly, lessons were learned by myself and the kids. For the kids, they learned that they prefer to have a clean room, they learned food on the floor is gross and they haven't even asked if they could take their peanut butter sandwiches upstairs since that night. They learned that it really sucks when a toy they liked gets thrown away because its broken and it's broken because they didn't take care of it. They learned that momma isn't just going to do it for them. If I've taught them anything through my stubbornness in regards to their playroom and bedroom, it is that if they make the mess, they are going to clean it up or they have to suffer in their own filth. I learned that they are ready to have that responsibility. I learned they are perfectly capable of cleaning their own messes themselves with only a little guidance on my part. I learned a little more patience with them and to make cleaning their messes kind of fun.

Now I just need to apply those principles to the playroom. It is a disaster and has been for over a year now. I have refused to touch it since the day they destroyed it. If I'm honest, I've actually tried to clean up a little a few times but each time I only last a few minutes before I'm so angry I have to stop. I'm not very pleasant when my temper is unleashed. I don't like that personality trait in myself, I have quite a temper and controlling it seems to take a lot of work again. In my attempt to be better than I have been or to keep myself from behaving like an irrational tyrant, I shied away from trigger situations i.e., cleaning the playroom. Yes, I know the room is ridiculous. Yes, the mess makes me angry, but the kids made that mess and they will be the ones to clean it up. They are finally old enough to be able to do it with minimal assistance from me. I don't expect everyone to understand or agree with my approach, like I've said before, I have to do what works for me and so far this seems to do just that!

I've started my thousand mile journey to freedom and I'm finally making progress one step at a time.

Here are some pictures of BJ's birthday party at his parents house over the weekend. It was a great night.

Kids thought they could climb the mommy tree at BJ's birthday party

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Awe we like each other... And then there's the "special" brother Matt... 

Temper temper

I have a temper. I was always a little spit fire. I worked for a long time to overcome that temper, and for quite a few years I managed to successfully tame the beast. Unfortunately, the beast resurfaced a couple years ago and was out of control last year. I can be loud, mean, and pretty much crazy. It is a part of me that is really embarrassing and rather shameful. Anyone who knew me growing up knows a side of me that I wish didn't exist. Pretending it doesn't exist hasn't been all that successful.

Establishing an overall sense of peace is my goal. I want to behave like one of those people who never raises their voice and never says an unkind word. It's a rather worthy goal, and one I know I can attain with practice and meditation. Celebrate my victories and learn from my mistakes. I'd like to share a small victory with you.

Victory: once again my son has pooped his pants, (have I mentioned my disdain for potty training?) a few days ago when this happened I behaved badly and flipped out. Today, I did not raise my voice. I did not get mad. I calmly cleaned him up and let it go. I didn't guilt him. I just tried to show him love. This is a little victory for me. I didn't even feel anger inside. I felt only love and calm.

Another victory: when Jayden squeezed a bottle of shampoo onto the bathroom floor while I was on a Skype call, I didn't even feel upset or angry. I just cleaned it up and showed him the difference between the shampoo and the soap because I think he was trying to wash his hands.

I was true to myself. When I stay calm, I am true to myself. The spit-fire monster within, is not my personal truth. It is not the real me. Keys to happiness? Live true to yourself and do your best to live in the present moment. I try to remember that my only power is now.

Wrong side of the bed...

Ya know those days when you wake up on the wrong side of bed? Where little things, things that should warrant far more patience than you seem to be able to muster, tend to set you off on a tangent? Do you ever work yourself up into a fit of crazy?

By all accounts today should be an awesome day! BJ stayed home from work, I played balloon soccer in the kitchen with Aubrey, and Jayden was being his imaginative self in creating games (complete with story line) for himself and Aubrey to play. Yet, for some ridiculous reason, I'm grumpy. I am being an obnoxious, snappy, nitpicking, monster! Working myself up into a frenzy because my sink is full of dishes and I'm behind on laundry yet again! Even as I write this, the little voice in my head is saying "everyone reading is just wondering what in the hell you do with your time! How come you cannot seem to catch up? Why are you such a slob?" This is something that compounds into epic levels of crazy inside my head. I am being completely irrational. Even if my assumption of judgment is correct, it is irrelevant. I recognize this fact, and for some reason there are those days where you cannot seem to put the monster away once it's been unleashed. As if it is saying "you will be a negative crazy cakes today!" regardless of what logic wants. The emotionally driven side of me is winning and not in a good way!

This is when you climb in bed, take a nap, and start over... Oh wait, I'm a mom. I can't just take a nap right now! C'mon Carlie, stop your whining!! Time to pull yourself up by your metaphorical bootstraps and turn your day around!

We shall see how well I do! I will report back later.

Seriously, why?!?!?

I didn't get mad today when Jayden dumped a bottle of Zyrtec in my jewelry cleaner while I was putting clothes in the dryer. I explained that was not a good idea, and cleaned up the mess.

I didn't get mad when Jayden made an "underwater volcano" with an empty beer bottle, tube of neosporin, and my cuticle tool (while I was making lunch). I praised his creativity because he was so excited, and explained that we should find a better way to make an underwater volcano in the future, and again cleaned up the mess.

However, about an hour ago, while I was holding Aubrey and explaining to her that there is a better way to express frustration than scream her ear-piercing banshee scream, Jayden did something which caused me to completely lose my s***. It might seem like nothing to many of you, and that's okay, but to those of you who know me it might make a little more sense.

After my discussion with Aubrey, I noticed Jayden had been absent for too long and was exceptionally quiet. Neither of which are ever good signs. I called for him - nothing. So I went on the hunt. He was in my room, on my bed, playing with the iPad. Innocent enough until I got closer, saw my perfume on the bed in front of him and I took a breath. The boy had sprayed perfume all over my bed and pillow. I was livid. My sinuses closed up immediately. I started wheezing. I started sneezing. Those who know me know that when I get started, I can sneeze for hours straight. I don't just sneeze once. No, I have this ridiculous allergy curse where I can sneeze for two hours straight or until the allergy medicine kicks in and I pass out. Anyway, as I said, this time I was upset. Then I walked into his room and noticed the kid had also painted with cortisone cream all over the floor and dresser. First, where is he even finding this s***??? Second, why? Why in the world are you doing such ridiculously stupid s***??? I yelled. I put him in time out. I sneezed. I yelled some more. Sneezed some more. And finally when he just laughed at me I went and pulled out the big guns. I got dad. Ha! Not so funny now, is it?!?

After consuming far more than the recommended dosage of allergy medicine to clear the airways again, and some much-needed daddy intervention, Jayden came down to me gave me a big hug and told me he was so sorry he sprayed my perfume all over my bed. Ah, the endearing moments with our children who love us even when we act just a little bit psycho :)

It is Jayden's favorite thing...

And I have to admit its one of mine too.. Jayden just crawled up onto my lap and asked me to tickle his back. I'm a sucker for cuddle time with my babies!! I'm pretty sure they know it, too! It's an effective momma manipulation tool. Cuddles, hugs, kisses, and loves. All of the things that melt my heart.

I may whine about my kids a bit, I may not be very perfect, and I may have yelled at my children out of frustration earlier today... One thing is for sure, they make my heart feel super happy ;) I wouldn't trade this chaos for anything in the world.

Another thing I can say, to my credit, is that I have two incredibly affectionate children. They give lots of hugs and kisses. I love it when they will climb up on my lap with a book or their iPads (yes, *gasp* my children each have a first generation iPad which we can discuss later). Learning together is a highlight of my day. Listening to them giggle and play just puts a smile on my face. On the flip side, listening to them scream and fight with each other is similar to fingernails on a chalkboard ;)

Right now, Jayden is chasing Aubrey with a fishing pole and she is fighting him off with a giant green balloon... Which has just devolved into a "sword fight" between the fishing pole and paint roller (think long thin extension pole for the tiny paint rolls)... Ending in Aubrey bonking Jayden on the head with the roller, to which Aubrey said "oh sorry" in her adorable, high-pitched, munchkin voice and Jayden informed her "you have to give me a hug and say you are sorry!" It was an adorable exchange. Is this irresponsible? Allowing the children to chase, argue, and have sword fights? I watched them do this. I was less than a foot away. Perhaps I should have intervened. Then again, perhaps it's important to allow kids to be kids, fight their own battles, and develop conflict resolution skills. Oh, the complexities of parenting!! All we can do is be true to ourselves, do what feels right for us, and hope it turns out great in the end!

Until next time. Love and light!

Taboo

How many times have you wanted to say that you need a break from being a mom but were afraid to do so because you were worried that someone else might think you were weak or whiney or just a bad parent? Have you ever yelled at your kids for something that, looking back, was completely trivial?

Never fear, I'm going to say it for you. I'm going to take that fear of judgment away because you can just tell yourself, if Carlie can say it, so can I!!

What are the things you think but are too afraid to say out loud for fear of appearing flawed?

Here's my confession for today: I hate potty training my son and I don't feel like I'm very good at it! I would rather change a poop filled diaper than have him poop in his underwear!!! And as hard as it is for me to admit, I've yelled at my 3-year-old for pooping his pants. I'm ashamed of this. I feel bad. But I'm not a perfect mom. I get frustrated when he poops his pants for three days in a row!! I want to give up and say just wear a diaper!! Today, when my daughter, who is 2, took her diaper off and pooped on the playroom floor and then peed on her bed, I just wanted to crawl in bed and call it a day! Guess what, I'm just not a perfect mom!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my children. I learn so much from them. I love their hugs and kisses. My son, Jayden, tells the best stories. His imagination makes me smile. He is smart and funny. My daughter is beautiful, intelligent, and a little spit-fire. I have committed myself to those children, I am learning to live a life different from what I thought I always wanted. It is a learning curve. Current societal programming to strive for an impossible ideal only led to bouts of insanity! So no more of that! Like I said, I'm real. This is my life.

What's this all about?

It is my opinion that parents today find themselves striving for perfection to such a degree it drives us just a little bit crazy. Gone are the days of individual acceptance (if those days ever existed). Gone are the days of individuality. Today it seems that everyone is competing for parent of the year. Everyone is competing to have the perfect children, perfect marriage, perfect home. Could this drive for perfection, this constant need to control all the details of life so they fit into our perfect ideals be to blame for the high divorce rate or the even higher rate of anxiety and depression among the population? I don't know! I wont pretend to know! All I will do is say to you that I am not perfect. I will not pretend to be perfect. I will simply be real. I am striving for individual acceptance as a wife, mother, and woman, and it is my intention to share that journey with you. 

Hahn Family Christmas 2010

BJ, Carlie, Jayden & Aubrey