Some things I could watch over and over without ever growing tired of it. Our family dance parties are one of those things. BJ dancing with the kids to his latest dubstep find in the kitchen makes me so happy. I cannot help but smile. Tonight was no exception.
Right now my kids think they love to dance. When Aubrey watches dancers on TV she tried to copy their moves. Especially ballerinas. I wish I knew what dance schools to enroll her in nearby because I should do it. Even Jayden has some killer dance moves, though his are a little more contemporary in nature. I was a terrible dancer. Terrible. I have no coordination. Even the dance games or video aerobics are too much for me. I look like an awkward chicken. It's embarrassing really. That said, I'm more than happy to support my children in things that interest them even when I know nothing about the subject. They would benefit from, and enjoy, both gymnastics and dance classes.
I feel as though, if I were a better mom, I would have them enrolled and have it all figured out. The things that hold me back from doing so are all selfish really. People, new people and situations, terrify me. Sometimes I can be awkwardly and painfully shy... until I get to know you. I am aware that is somewhat of an oxymoron. If you ask my friends, I'm not shy, but they know me already!
It makes me feel rather guilty when I admit my fears of people and new situations are keeping my children isolated. I am so NOT a perfect mom.
I just need to keep challenging myself. Pushing myself to be more and do more. It isn't fair for my kids to suffer for my social anxieties. All I can do is try to be better. Just try.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Update
Hello again. I've had a nice little vacation from my blog. I promised honesty, but there are some things that are a little too personal to share so publicly and for the past six months or so, those things somewhat consumed me. The good news is that I have something I haven't felt in a long time: HOPE. It is a beautiful feeling.
What's been going on in my not-so-perfect world you ask? Well, the potty-training adventures continue only it's Aubrey's turn now. Jayden has been fully potty trained for a while, he still hasn't had a single night-time accident (or daytime, for that matter). I will say, potty-training Aubrey has been much more challenging than it was with Jayden, (and I found that to be plenty challenging at the time). In retrospect, the challenge was merely my lack of patience rather than anything Jayden did and while I'm still trying to convince him poop and pee germs exist (regardless of his ability to see them) making hand-washing necessary every single time he goes potty, he is doing fabulous overall. Aubrey, on the other hand, is a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand, she is a prissy little princess who has to do everything her own way and all by herself. On the other, she seems to have no qualms about bodily functions the way Jayden does. I mostly trained Jayden by allowing him to run around naked for a few months. To this day, he seems to think it is necessary to poop naked so he "doesn't get poop on his clothes." In fact, his little OCD has grown to the point where he feels he needs to strip down and store his clothing across the room, usually under my side of the bed (which is as far away from the toilet as you can get in this case). I'll address his cute little quirk later. The point was to offer contrast with Aubrey. She is the only child (of mine) who has literally pooped on the floor.... Twice. She seems to have no problem dropping her drawers and letting it all go. Don't worry, pee isn't left out either. She actually peed on her pillow (yes, I threw it away, no I didn't even attempt to clean it). She is worse than a puppy! So, obviously the naked approach won't work for her when she is willing to take her diaper off and poop on her bedroom floor. With Aubrey, everything needs to be on her terms. Including this. She is essentially potty-training herself, it was even her idea to start using the potty. She insists on washing her hands, turning the water on and all, completely on her own. She insists on wiping herself, whereas Jayden seems reluctant to even try doing this for himself. The difference in the two little ones is most often night and day.
I have come to see this as a test. I am a bit of a control-freak by nature, and she is teaching me to just allow. To stop trying to control every situation and circumstance, and simply allow things to be. The harder I try to control the potty-training situation with her, the more she rebels and goes in her diaper. It's funny really, I just had an epiphany. I have often said, the key to peace between my father and myself was when we both stopped trying to control the other and began to allow instead. Aubrey is my test, to see if I've learned my lesson. The key to Aubrey is most definitely allowing. Not in that "I-don't-watch-my-kids-and-let-them-run-wild" way, in a guide them, but allow them to be themselves way. I always had to learn my own lessons. Often times I chose to learn them the hard way, much to the chagrin of my father, but it was the way I had to learn. Aubrey has that quality about herself, I can already see it. I hope she can teach me to relax my inner control-freak. If not, she is the child who will put me in an early grave ;).
What's been going on in my not-so-perfect world you ask? Well, the potty-training adventures continue only it's Aubrey's turn now. Jayden has been fully potty trained for a while, he still hasn't had a single night-time accident (or daytime, for that matter). I will say, potty-training Aubrey has been much more challenging than it was with Jayden, (and I found that to be plenty challenging at the time). In retrospect, the challenge was merely my lack of patience rather than anything Jayden did and while I'm still trying to convince him poop and pee germs exist (regardless of his ability to see them) making hand-washing necessary every single time he goes potty, he is doing fabulous overall. Aubrey, on the other hand, is a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand, she is a prissy little princess who has to do everything her own way and all by herself. On the other, she seems to have no qualms about bodily functions the way Jayden does. I mostly trained Jayden by allowing him to run around naked for a few months. To this day, he seems to think it is necessary to poop naked so he "doesn't get poop on his clothes." In fact, his little OCD has grown to the point where he feels he needs to strip down and store his clothing across the room, usually under my side of the bed (which is as far away from the toilet as you can get in this case). I'll address his cute little quirk later. The point was to offer contrast with Aubrey. She is the only child (of mine) who has literally pooped on the floor.... Twice. She seems to have no problem dropping her drawers and letting it all go. Don't worry, pee isn't left out either. She actually peed on her pillow (yes, I threw it away, no I didn't even attempt to clean it). She is worse than a puppy! So, obviously the naked approach won't work for her when she is willing to take her diaper off and poop on her bedroom floor. With Aubrey, everything needs to be on her terms. Including this. She is essentially potty-training herself, it was even her idea to start using the potty. She insists on washing her hands, turning the water on and all, completely on her own. She insists on wiping herself, whereas Jayden seems reluctant to even try doing this for himself. The difference in the two little ones is most often night and day.
I have come to see this as a test. I am a bit of a control-freak by nature, and she is teaching me to just allow. To stop trying to control every situation and circumstance, and simply allow things to be. The harder I try to control the potty-training situation with her, the more she rebels and goes in her diaper. It's funny really, I just had an epiphany. I have often said, the key to peace between my father and myself was when we both stopped trying to control the other and began to allow instead. Aubrey is my test, to see if I've learned my lesson. The key to Aubrey is most definitely allowing. Not in that "I-don't-watch-my-kids-and-let-them-run-wild" way, in a guide them, but allow them to be themselves way. I always had to learn my own lessons. Often times I chose to learn them the hard way, much to the chagrin of my father, but it was the way I had to learn. Aubrey has that quality about herself, I can already see it. I hope she can teach me to relax my inner control-freak. If not, she is the child who will put me in an early grave ;).
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