I said I would be real. I said I would lay it all out on the table. But at what point can you lay too much on the table? Isn't that part of sharing my imperfection, my reality? Sharing the good, the bad, and the downright ugly?
Today was downright ugly. Nothing went according to plan, the beast within could not be caged, and all that resulted was a day of arguing and misery. Luckily my in-laws took the kids for the evening and through tomorrow. The kids shouldn't have to suffer while my husband and I argue. They should not have to listen to us yell, shouldn't have to see me cry... Hearing my daughter tell my mother-in-law, when I dropped her off, that "mommy was sad" kind of broke my heart.
Here is a real confession. I don't know how to be a great wife and a great mother at the same time. I don't know how to balance it all. I don't know how to take care of everything with the house, finances, children, husband, and have anything left for myself. Sometimes as a mother, I feel like a shell of myself. Like I am just going through the motions, but there's nothing really inside of me. Far too often, I'm just numb. When I balance things, I get time for myself, some silence, a chance to essentially recover, I feel whole again. I feel as though I am able to conquer the world again. When I have balance, I'm a better wife. A better mother. I have patience. I have a positive perspective on life. When I don't, I become someone who isn't being true to herself. When I am true to myself, I am happy. I feel peaceful inside. Today, I was not true to myself. I was not a great mother. I was not a great wife. I was not a great human. And as a result, I'm a ball full of misery.
So, here it is. I laid it all out on the table. Perhaps I was too real. Perhaps I said too much. I shared information that was too personal. Be that as it may, in the end, I was real.
It's hard to balance everything and I don't think any of us do it perfectly. We all handle our day to day jobs as wives and mothers differently and we sacrifice so much of ourselves and time to everyone else, that we often don't leave time for us. Sometimes, we just have bad days. I've found that even taking 20 minutes for myself to enjoy a relaxing shower can rejuvenate my energy and patience. You need that alone time and that romantic, one-on-one time with your husband to feel whole; to feel like a somewhat normal person outside of baby talk, diapers, potty training and the Disney Channel. I am glad you are so honest and understanding of yourself and that you share your experiences with others to learn and grow from.
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