When I grow up

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If I could do anything I wanted, and get paid to do it, what would it be? If I could get paid to do something I love, it would be to read books. I'm not sure how to go about that, but it's a pretty awesome dream nonetheless. I love to write, my brain used to come up with elaborate stories all the time, as I would go about my daily life, my mind would be a million miles away in a completely different world, with different conversations happening, new people and adventures.... For years, I was probably more present in a dream world than in reality. After a while I suppose I got bogged down with real life and somehow my creative juices were stifled. I suppose that's why I love to read so much. I am swept away in a far off land, I get to immerse myself in a whole new reality and for a few short hours, I'm actually there. I'm actually at Hogwarts, I'm really in Bon Temps, I get to travel to Middle Earth! I mean, it's pretty amazing to be a Hobbit! When I close my eyes, I'm there. I have escaped the mundane reality in which I live, and I've transported to another time, another place. 

My husband doesn't read fiction, preferring to read technical manuals and scientific journals instead. He will read everything he can get his hands on, in the non-fiction genre, while I struggle with the non-fiction. I own a lot of non-fiction, metaphysical books. I love them, but it takes me 5 times longer to read a non-fiction book than it does for me to read a fictional tale. Non-fiction can put me to sleep in a few short minutes, but if you give me a good story, like the Stephanie Plum series, I can read 3 books a day! Last night, around midnight, I received an email from Amazon telling me that the latest book in the Stephanie Plum series had been auto-delivered to my Kindle. So, shortly after midnight, I started reading and stayed up until 4:30 this morning to finish it! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't put it down, I had to leave the room so my laughter wouldn't wake BJ up.

So, if I had to give an answer to my dream job, it would be a reader... or a writer. If only I could get those creative juices flowing once more :) 

So... I caved.

In the battle of the playroom, I have a confession to make. Today, while my mother-in-law had my kids, I caved. I cleaned the room. Not all of it, but I got more done in 45 minutes of uninterrupted cleaning than my kids have gotten done in a month! I know, this goes against everything I've stated, but I was doing some organizing and one thing led to another... 

I got a lot done today all over while the kids were away. I built a little rolling drawer cart for the kids crafts and coloring items. It's in the kitchen, next to the dining table where they will be required to do most of their coloring. I'm kind of sick of them "accidentally" coloring on my walls. 

As soon as my in-laws brought my kids home, Aubrey sat down at the table and started coloring again, and Jayden pulled out their "rocket" which is really just a couple of cardboard boxes I gave them along with access to my sharpie collection and a bunch of glitter glue. The kids have been working on the "rocket" or "house" depending on the story they are telling at the time, for a couple of weeks now. Every day they seem to need to add more marker or glue to make it just right. 

It's only been a few hours, but so far the kitchen craft corner is a success. I can work on dinner and they can bounce easily between helping me, and coloring. 

Tonight, I made turkey noodle soup. I had no recipe for it, I just winged it. I know it was a success though because BJ had 3 bowls. While I prepped and cooked, which took me hours because I'm slow in the kitchen, the kids sat at the table and played with playdough or colored. 

Slowly it seems things are returning to normal around here. There is balance and peace more often than not. As a result, you can see the changes starting to make their way through the rest of the house. Progress may be slow, but it's progress nonetheless.  

The ostrich theory of life management

Confession time. For a long time I've suffered from the ostrich theory of life management. When something stressful comes up, I stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, hoping that over time it will just go away. Obviously, that never happens and the problem only gets worse. 

A few months ago, I made a determined effort to stop the cycle of the ostrich. I started facing unpleasant things, instead of escaping into the distraction of the moment. Thing is, I've been loving the way of the ostrich for a really long time and I've allowed a lot of things to get completely out of control. As a result, this whole "facing the problem" thing has been kind of ugly. 

Without going into the dirty details, I'm facing a doozy right now. One that I've avoided for a couple of years. Yes, that's right.. Years. I made the necessary calls, took the first step to facing the problem for real this time, and if I'm honest with you, I'm shaking. All over. Shaking, anxious, generally a hot mess. There is a part of my mind, the one I really don't enjoy but tends to play a large part of my internal dialogue, telling me that I am not strong enough to face this. That it is out of my league, and I can't do it. I even believe that part of my mind. Doesn't really matter though because I don't have a choice. I have to face it. I cannot let the damage get any worse than it already is. I called a professional, I have faith that he will know what to do. 

When I faced my finances, actually created a budget and paid attention to every penny we spent it was terrifying at first. I was just as anxious as I am now. I had been ostriching the family finances and when I decided to face my life instead of hide from it, I took control. While it may have been absolutely terrifying and stressful in the beginning, there was also a sense of relief from just knowing where things stood. I still experience the stress that comes with money, especially when you don't have enough. It was my own fault though. I had to face that too. My poor money management and over spending put us in this mess and I was going to have to learn what to do to get us out of it. 

I have been using the ostrich theory of life management when it comes to my house too. Cleaning, organizing, and decluttering is overwhelming and stressful so for a long time I didn't face it like I needed to. Now, slowly, I'm facing it. One step at a time. 

Are you sensing a pattern? Most of my life, I have hidden from things that make me uncomfortable. If I allow myself, I still do. Does that make me weak? Probably. But it is what it is. Now I have to change it. I've been changing it with my kids, my marriage, my life! Not an easy path, but a necessary one. 

Updates for October

I've been struggling with balance in my life for a long time. It has been said, more than once, that I am fire and ice. I wont deny those tendencies, but I have been working on finding balance in all things so that I may enjoy life more. Lately, it has been working wonderfully. My marriage is stronger, and happier, than ever. We are having so much fun with the kids, we are making steps to declutter the house, etc. Overall, the house is just a happier home than it has been in years.

I feel like I'm falling into my role as homemaker, stay-at-home mom, whatever you want to call it, with happiness and peace now. I am happy to be home with the kids. I am happy to cook dinner for the family, and I love it when I create some random concoction in the kitchen and it turns out delicious. The kids have been helping me cook, helping me clean, but playing and enjoying life as well. I play my games (marrying a gamer can rub off on you!), the kids watch their shows, play their games, and even work on the many craft projects I pulled out for them. I knew that stash of wood crafts and sun catchers would pay off eventually!

I used to miss my village, even mourn its loss. Now, however, I am comfortable without it. We seem to have fun as a family, whether the extended crowd is with us or not! The night before Halloween we carved pumpkins as a family. It was so much fun. We worked together to clear off our cluttered dining table, making it clean and functional again. After we finished that, we laid down some of the thick paper you can use as a drop cloth, the kind you can buy in a giant roll at Lowe's. We taped it down to the table and the fun began. BJ helped Aubrey with her pumpkin, he drew a face on the paper so she could decide just how she wanted the pumpkin to look and together they carved it. I helped Jayden with his. He told me which shapes he wanted for which parts and then held the knife with me as we created his pumpkin. Then it was the parents turn! The pumpkins turned out great!

Another fun family event we did this month was our annual trip to Gardner Village to see the witches. Mike, Jenessa, Chris, & Cassy came along to see the witches, and the kids reactions to them. Grandma Cassy paid for the kids to go on a pony ride, and they loved it. Aubrey got to ride on Silver, and Jayden on Snowflake. The woman who led the horse around for Jayden just got a kick out of his stories. She told me I should take him to a storytelling festival they have nearby because he would do great. He does tell a good story, and he is so animated about it. I need to be better about taking videos of his stories so I can share them with everyone.

Anyway, this is just a quick update. When I get all the pictures from Halloween night, I'll be back to tell another story :) For now, I'll leave you with some highlights of our month.

They are so cute when they are sleeping!

Aubrey with her dolly and her iPad. She insists on sleeping with that decorative "square" pillow. 

Jayden's pumpkin

Aubrey's pumpkin

BJ's pumpkin

My pumpkin

Looking spooky!

Kale for dinner

Aubrey helped me wash and dry it

She is a great kitchen assistant

Now it's time to color robots

And glitter glue on pumpkins! 

Jayden thought that was a lot of fun.

Goofy boy

Pained smile

Glitter glue and my sharpie collection has created days worth of entertainment around here

Off to see the witches

Aunt Nessa and Uncle Mike with the littles! I love how Mike had to hold Jayden's head.

Daddy & Aubrey

The whole family

Waiting in line for the pony ride

She wouldn't let go of that ticket

Big cheese loves pictures of herself

Aubrey has been doing Yoga with Aunt Nessa, she absolutely loves it. As soon as Jenessa came over that day, Aubrey rolled out the mat and begged to do Yoga with her!

Jenessa helped me organize my closet, while Mike and I organized the crawl space. I'll post more pictures of that later. It's been quite the project, but it needed to be done, desperately!

My mom brought me a bunch of apples from her tree, so I decided to dehydrate them. It was one of my favorite treats when I was growing up, and I wanted to share that with the kids.

I may not be "that kind of mom" but I've been having fun pretending lately! My kids are happy and healthy, and in the end, that's what really matters!! The more I work on balance, the happier everyone seems to be.