Love languages for children

This is likely to be a short brain dump as it's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping. However, I woke up covered in hives and started reading which triggered this train of thought. 

My dad likes to give advice. On pretty much anything. After becoming a parent, he started giving me parenting advice. Now the dad I have today is a very different man from the dad I grew up with. My brothers got this dad for the most part, but I was the oldest and most of his parenting of me was done during a time when he was in a terrible marriage so his time and energy was spent fighting with my mom or escaping to work. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, my parents divorce gave me parents, really wonderful parents whom I love dearly. 

Anyway, my dad has been offering parenting advice for a while now and I realized, as I was reading this book, that my dad is giving me much of the same advice that is in this book without actually realizing it, or attributing it to Love Languages as the author calls it. I'm reading "The Five Love Languages for Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. It's a truly wonderful and insightful book that is full of helpful strategies for parenting. This book is a spinoff of Chapman's previous book simply titled "The 5 Love Languages" which is meant for adults. 

As I'm reading the author's philosophies, I am hearing the words of my father run through my mind and the information just hits closer to home. 

I have mentioned that I have a temper, and I yell when I shouldn't. I yell way too much, especially at the kids. Lately, Jayden has been incredibly frustrating. He isn't listening, he is being disrespectful and defiant, and his punishments aren't being taken seriously. I've been at my wits end. I was browsing through my audiobook collection when I saw this book and realized the problem may be that I'm not speaking Jayden's primary love language. His love bank is empty and he's acting out as a result. This thought prompted me to begin reading the book and already it is helping me see destructive habits I've formed and areas I need to improve with both of my children. 

The thing that hit closest to home was the following quote from the book, "The greatest enemy toward encouraging our children is anger. The more anger present in the parent, the more anger the parent will dump on the children. The result will be children who are both anti-authority and anti-parent. This naturally means that a thoughtful parent will do all in his or her power to assuage anger -- to keep it to a minimum and to handle it maturely."

This is something I NEED to work on. I'm not handling the kids maturely. I fly off the handle and I'm probably making my children feel horrible when I yell at them for the bad decisions they've made like coloring on their bedroom wall... again!! Right now, that quote describes Jayden and even the problems I've been having with him lately. Whether words of encouragement are his love language or not, the truth of the matter is that I need to make changes and try following the advice of my father, and the author. 

I'll be back soon to discuss more of the book and my fathers advice. However, my brain dump is complete and it's time to fall back asleep. 

Why are you asking?

I experienced my first migraine headache when I was in 5th Grade. I remember it clearly. I was sitting in Mrs. Puffer's English class and she was giving a lecture on something. My eyes started freaking out when I got to school. It felt like I was on the inside of an old TV screen. Everything was fuzzy and oddly distorted, which to my 10-year-old mind, was very disconcerting. However, Mrs. Puffer terrified me, so I said nothing. During the middle of her lecture, a short time after the visual distortions began, the nausea hit. I knew I was going to throw up. I tried and tried to hold it in, to keep it from happening. I clearly remember listening to her drone on and on about something inconsequential, praying to the Gods that she would just shut up so I could run to the bathroom. I knew better than to interrupt her, I was terrified of her wrath at the best of times. If I were to just jump up and run to the bathroom I was certain she would kill me, so for what felt like an eternity, I just kept trying to prevent myself from throwing up. I lost the battle. I threw up all over her classroom. Ironically, she got mad at me for not interrupting her and running to the bathroom. At the time, I just thought she would have been mad no matter what I did. Like I said, she terrified me.

Now that I'm older and have kids of my own, I realized recently that I've become a Mrs. Puffer at home. It is the only explanation I have for the reason my kids do this obnoxious thing they do. Lately, when they have to go to the bathroom, instead of just going to the bathroom and taking care of business, they dance in front of me yelling "I've gotta go potty!!! I've gotta go potty!!!" waiting for me to say "So go to the freaking bathroom!!!" Seriously, they don't have to ask permission to go use the bathroom in their own homes! So why, oh why do they do this? Every second they waste prancing around in front of me, singing their "potty" song, is a second they risk peeing on my floor. The other day, Aubrey ran out of her bedroom and began the dance while I was seated down on the sofa working on my computer. That's when it hit me. Somehow, I have become Mrs. Puffer and the kids would rather pee in their pants then risk me being upset with them. BJ and I have tried to explain to them that they need to just use the restroom, and stop asking for permission to do so first. We've tried and tried, but the power of Puffer is great. I'm not even sure what I did to make them start this ridiculous habit. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it, because one of these days they are going to pee on the floor during their crotch grabbing potty dance while they wait for me to yell "so go to the bathroom already!!"

War on Christmas?

The so-called "War on Christmas" is potentially one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. I do not understand why everyone is getting so offended. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, it's the same thing. It's someone wishing you goodness during this season. Happy holidays is all encompassing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, and any other holidays that fall in that time frame. Merry Christmas is just that, wishing you happiness for one day, a day you may or may not celebrate. Do you really believe the Christ you are celebrating would be offended or upset by something so ridiculously trivial??? 

It seems to me that your Christ, through his teachings, would be more concerned with the hyper-materialism and commercialization of said holiday, or the starving, and freezing, children in this country. He would be more concerned about what people DID than what people said. After all, it's the intent behind the words. Christ taught people to be kind, loving, charitable, giving, and accepting. So sad to see so many people this easily distracted by a fictitious war on Christmas causing them to forget all about the teachings of a man they are supposedly celebrating. 

BJ wisely talked me out of making that my Facebook status, but I needed to get it out of my system so it went up on the blog. 

Neil Armstrong Academy

As a parent there are times when I feel like I'm doing a terrible job. I feel like I need to teach my children more, give them more, do more for them, be more for them... you get the idea. Tonight, I feel like I did something so incredibly important for them, it's almost as though it's my crowning moment as a mom. I submitted applications for both of my children to the only STEM school currently in Utah, Neil Armstrong Academy. For those of you who don't know what that means, STEM stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. It is a school whose focus is on those areas of education. They still teach the traditional curriculum, but they have a more hands-on approach with a heavy focus on STEM areas.

I won't know until March whether I have been successful in their application, however, I feel good knowing I've done all I can do in that regard. I am praying that they will be accepted. They are such intelligent kids. Jayden loves engineering. His favorite apps on his iPad are fundamentally engineering apps dressed up as games. He has a sharp, technical mind and I have felt strongly for a while now that traditional schools will bore him. I want the kids to go to the same school, and while Aubrey is more artistic than Jayden, I know she will benefit from that school as well.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. I had a fabulous time with my family. I am so grateful for them, and love them so very much. I know I am lucky to have such a close, loving relationship with my parents (all 3 of them) and my siblings. I'll be back soon to tell you all about it.

Jayden has to go to the dentist in the morning. The poor kid inherited my terrible teeth and needs a lot of work done. My uncle told me that my cousin (who is about 12-years younger than me) had a similar problem at Jayden's age. Aubrey's teeth look perfect, Jayden's look terrible. It makes me so sad. Anyway, I'll update more about his first big trip to the dentist soon as well.

When I grow up

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If I could do anything I wanted, and get paid to do it, what would it be? If I could get paid to do something I love, it would be to read books. I'm not sure how to go about that, but it's a pretty awesome dream nonetheless. I love to write, my brain used to come up with elaborate stories all the time, as I would go about my daily life, my mind would be a million miles away in a completely different world, with different conversations happening, new people and adventures.... For years, I was probably more present in a dream world than in reality. After a while I suppose I got bogged down with real life and somehow my creative juices were stifled. I suppose that's why I love to read so much. I am swept away in a far off land, I get to immerse myself in a whole new reality and for a few short hours, I'm actually there. I'm actually at Hogwarts, I'm really in Bon Temps, I get to travel to Middle Earth! I mean, it's pretty amazing to be a Hobbit! When I close my eyes, I'm there. I have escaped the mundane reality in which I live, and I've transported to another time, another place. 

My husband doesn't read fiction, preferring to read technical manuals and scientific journals instead. He will read everything he can get his hands on, in the non-fiction genre, while I struggle with the non-fiction. I own a lot of non-fiction, metaphysical books. I love them, but it takes me 5 times longer to read a non-fiction book than it does for me to read a fictional tale. Non-fiction can put me to sleep in a few short minutes, but if you give me a good story, like the Stephanie Plum series, I can read 3 books a day! Last night, around midnight, I received an email from Amazon telling me that the latest book in the Stephanie Plum series had been auto-delivered to my Kindle. So, shortly after midnight, I started reading and stayed up until 4:30 this morning to finish it! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't put it down, I had to leave the room so my laughter wouldn't wake BJ up.

So, if I had to give an answer to my dream job, it would be a reader... or a writer. If only I could get those creative juices flowing once more :) 

So... I caved.

In the battle of the playroom, I have a confession to make. Today, while my mother-in-law had my kids, I caved. I cleaned the room. Not all of it, but I got more done in 45 minutes of uninterrupted cleaning than my kids have gotten done in a month! I know, this goes against everything I've stated, but I was doing some organizing and one thing led to another... 

I got a lot done today all over while the kids were away. I built a little rolling drawer cart for the kids crafts and coloring items. It's in the kitchen, next to the dining table where they will be required to do most of their coloring. I'm kind of sick of them "accidentally" coloring on my walls. 

As soon as my in-laws brought my kids home, Aubrey sat down at the table and started coloring again, and Jayden pulled out their "rocket" which is really just a couple of cardboard boxes I gave them along with access to my sharpie collection and a bunch of glitter glue. The kids have been working on the "rocket" or "house" depending on the story they are telling at the time, for a couple of weeks now. Every day they seem to need to add more marker or glue to make it just right. 

It's only been a few hours, but so far the kitchen craft corner is a success. I can work on dinner and they can bounce easily between helping me, and coloring. 

Tonight, I made turkey noodle soup. I had no recipe for it, I just winged it. I know it was a success though because BJ had 3 bowls. While I prepped and cooked, which took me hours because I'm slow in the kitchen, the kids sat at the table and played with playdough or colored. 

Slowly it seems things are returning to normal around here. There is balance and peace more often than not. As a result, you can see the changes starting to make their way through the rest of the house. Progress may be slow, but it's progress nonetheless.  

The ostrich theory of life management

Confession time. For a long time I've suffered from the ostrich theory of life management. When something stressful comes up, I stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, hoping that over time it will just go away. Obviously, that never happens and the problem only gets worse. 

A few months ago, I made a determined effort to stop the cycle of the ostrich. I started facing unpleasant things, instead of escaping into the distraction of the moment. Thing is, I've been loving the way of the ostrich for a really long time and I've allowed a lot of things to get completely out of control. As a result, this whole "facing the problem" thing has been kind of ugly. 

Without going into the dirty details, I'm facing a doozy right now. One that I've avoided for a couple of years. Yes, that's right.. Years. I made the necessary calls, took the first step to facing the problem for real this time, and if I'm honest with you, I'm shaking. All over. Shaking, anxious, generally a hot mess. There is a part of my mind, the one I really don't enjoy but tends to play a large part of my internal dialogue, telling me that I am not strong enough to face this. That it is out of my league, and I can't do it. I even believe that part of my mind. Doesn't really matter though because I don't have a choice. I have to face it. I cannot let the damage get any worse than it already is. I called a professional, I have faith that he will know what to do. 

When I faced my finances, actually created a budget and paid attention to every penny we spent it was terrifying at first. I was just as anxious as I am now. I had been ostriching the family finances and when I decided to face my life instead of hide from it, I took control. While it may have been absolutely terrifying and stressful in the beginning, there was also a sense of relief from just knowing where things stood. I still experience the stress that comes with money, especially when you don't have enough. It was my own fault though. I had to face that too. My poor money management and over spending put us in this mess and I was going to have to learn what to do to get us out of it. 

I have been using the ostrich theory of life management when it comes to my house too. Cleaning, organizing, and decluttering is overwhelming and stressful so for a long time I didn't face it like I needed to. Now, slowly, I'm facing it. One step at a time. 

Are you sensing a pattern? Most of my life, I have hidden from things that make me uncomfortable. If I allow myself, I still do. Does that make me weak? Probably. But it is what it is. Now I have to change it. I've been changing it with my kids, my marriage, my life! Not an easy path, but a necessary one.